So where were you the other night, aye? Ram-raiding an adult shop, then ram-raiding their dolls? Well somebody was. The thing that disgusts me most about this tragic tale is not the wanton destruction of somebody else's property, lord no, that much I like, but how this man treated those poor harmless dolls.

It's a sad indictment of our fragmented, selfish society when a robber doesn't even have the decency to take the dolls out for a nice meal first and then drop them home safely after he's done the deed. I mean, when did society sink so low as to allow this sort of ungentlemanly behaviour to carry on? Not on my watch that's for sure. Did this guy's parents teach him nothing? Fine smash through a shop window, we've all done that at one time or another when we're desperate for the goods, it's pretty much how I go shopping, but to then just abandon the dolls like he does? It saddens me to my very core. Surely it signals more than any other villainous act how low our callous, emotionally-crippled society has sunk.

The small glimmer of hope we can cling on to like an inflatable doll in a flood is that the guy at least cleans up any mess he makes, so at least some manners his parents taught him have sunk in.

Praise be.

You're momma's so fat people say she's got a celestial body...Ah the beautiful rhythm of a mum cuss, it quenches my mind's thirst like a camel's first glug of water after a 14 day desert hike. Delicious!

We all love a good insult and even better, a great come-back or retort. Like in the Simpsons when Lisa says to Bart, "Bart, that's tomorrow's dinner" to which Bart wittily replies, "You're tomorrow's dinner!!" Brilliant, did you see what he did there? I usually try and take what someone said to me and turn it into an insult, just like Bart. It is the very pinnacle of a canny quip. Maybe...for a 5 year-old...with brain rot...

Anyway here's a hilarious list of some of the greatest retorts in the history of retortage, so read up and next time someone calls you a 'Feeble, pitiable sh#t herder with the brain of a retarded toad', as people often call me, you can come-back with something cutting like 'Yeah, well you're a retarded toad!' That'll learn 'em.

I'll leave you with a quote from Groucho Marx. While not quite a retort it is at least a brilliant response. When asked by his friend S. J. Perelman about whether he'd read Perelman's new book Marx replied, 'From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.'