So where were you the other night, aye? Ram-raiding an adult shop, then ram-raiding their dolls? Well somebody was. The thing that disgusts me most about this tragic tale is not the wanton destruction of somebody else's property, lord no, that much I like, but how this man treated those poor harmless dolls.

It's a sad indictment of our fragmented, selfish society when a robber doesn't even have the decency to take the dolls out for a nice meal first and then drop them home safely after he's done the deed. I mean, when did society sink so low as to allow this sort of ungentlemanly behaviour to carry on? Not on my watch that's for sure. Did this guy's parents teach him nothing? Fine smash through a shop window, we've all done that at one time or another when we're desperate for the goods, it's pretty much how I go shopping, but to then just abandon the dolls like he does? It saddens me to my very core. Surely it signals more than any other villainous act how low our callous, emotionally-crippled society has sunk.

The small glimmer of hope we can cling on to like an inflatable doll in a flood is that the guy at least cleans up any mess he makes, so at least some manners his parents taught him have sunk in.

Praise be.

You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!