All was atwitter over at Twitter as accounts were hacked and lurid secrets exposed. Fox News made a not so startling revelation about Bill O'Reilly's sexual orientation and Rick Sanchez just can't seem to stay away from that glass pipe. PUT IT DOWN RICK! Plus Britney's growler seems likes it's more ferocious than a lion's den. Open wide, indeed.

The thing is some people are getting all outraged and annoyed, but what if they weren't really hacked and these people just wanted to tell us a few home truths about themselves and this is just a big cover-up? Did someone say conspiracy? Oh, you were just sneezing. My apologies.

But anyway, if only they were true. What could we be seeing next? Kanye West admits his music is not that good, and he could probably do better if he teamed up with Fiddy Cent - maybe do a duet of Somethin' Stupid? Brings a joyful tear to my eye just thinking of it. Then Lindsay Lohan announces she's going to give up booze and become celibate. John Cleese posts something vaguely amusing breaking a 20 year 'no humour' policy, and Tom Waits claims he's penned a track that you can actually make out the words to.

Plus Sarah Palin posts her thoughts on epistemology posing such mind-boggling questions as how do we 'know' something and what does it mean to 'learn'. And finally Tweety Pie claims he definitely did not 'taut he taw a puddy tat'. He was just sleepy, that combined with his medication can play funny tricks on a bird's brain - it was probably just a pair of tights or something.

Some women have the looks of a goddess and a body that God himself would kill his own son (again), and neglect to resurrect him, to get to. You think WOW-zer, what I wouldn't do to get her between the sheets. You'd skin your own mother to spend a night with them. But what if they have a stupid name, a name so profoundly foolish, so utterly laughable they make Bond girls' names look like the work of a satirist who'd make Peter Cook weep with shameful inadequacy.

A name so ridiculous that if you had to shout it during intercourse you would need to commit hara-kiri afterwards to maintain your family's honour.

Well these women have those names, so be aware. Or change your name to something dumb like Bartlet Angerchase or Google Filter.