You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!

If I hadn't watched a video of two science guys I've never met, performing this experiment and speaking with authoritative voices, I would never have believed it. Because that's the kind of solid proof I need, if I see it on a screen, it must be true.

Who'd've thought something so simple and seemingly innocent would be fraught with such hidden dangers? I've been using sticky tape for years, does that mean I've got radiation poisoning? I'm sure my bones have weakened slightly, only yesterday I was walking up some stairs when my left fibula shattered and I fell over, only to put my hand out to break the fall, when all I broke was my hand, which then crumbled into dust. I'd sticky tape it back together but I'm afraid to...

There is one good thing to come from this, Stan Lee could create a brand new superhero, say one that for all his young life has collected beer mats (let's say his dad's a no good bar fly, adds a certain pathos) to stick into a scrap book and he always used sticky tape...cue frantic panelling showing radiation affecting young Jimmy's cellular structure and turning him into the glutinous Gummy Boy! Kind of like Spider-Man but he shoots sticky tape (double-sided!) from his wrists and can wrap a present in seconds without the finished product looking like a gift-wrapped ground-zero. Amazing, huh?

Right, now let's sell the film rights to Warner and make ourselves some easy millions!