I thought No. 1 was going to be 'Become An Actor'. Hilarious aye, but actors work real hard, so stop laughing! Nah they don't really, they just sit about in their trailers jacking off over the fruit bowl, then occasionally venturing outside on set, farting, which is then recorded, edited, a fart noise is added, sound track is added (more fart noises), the fart cloud is digitally enhanced using lasers fired from Uranus, then it's shown to a test audience who demand a happier ending where the fart noise becomes a trombone-like sound. So it's re-edited, the sound changed and then it's ready.

Then it's shown to some very important critics, without whom the Earth would not revolve around the Sun, who applaud the actor's skill in showing the depth and exact squelchy sound of someone passing wind. It's then shown in countries the world over, its very existence halts global warming, the meltdown of the economy and provides the whole world with clean water - then, finally, deservingly, they get an Oscar.

That's fact, I should know, as I once directed Gielgud on stage as Hamlet's sweat glands, it's was spectacular!

Anyway, like I said acting's not on the list, but plenty of other great career paths are. So go check it out and find out how to get rich, without having to work, just like an actor!

Do you rate Kanye West as a supreme being, is he, for you, the high water mark of civilisation, the reason we were put upon this Earth, our hip-hop saviour? I think at times he likes to consider himself as much - music's answer to life-giving water, a man who considers himself so important he's an as yet unknown Law of Physics.

Or, perhaps, when scientists finally switch back on the LHC at CERN they will discover that the Higgs boson - the particle that will explain how massless elementary particles cause matter to have mass, known as the god particle due to its importance - well they'll discover that it's actually Kanye West, he is the thing that gives matter mass. His little face will be looking back at them, with winged angels buzzing about worshipping at the divine altar of his trendily venetian-blind-bespectacled head, and God the almighty on his righteous knees sucking Kanye's weiner like the holy trinity depended on it.

That's how important he thinks he is.